“I have a dream” but no one ever said “I have a nightmare”. What happens if you have one? How
would you realize that you are in the midst of it? Well, I must be living one as I cannot recall the last time I felt happy. Maybe that’s just life though. Maybe that’s what adulthood means. Could it also be the reason why grown-ups pity the young ones or why they feel nostalgic and sad when they see an unbothered toddler’s smile? It was easier back then, wasn’t it? – or so they say. Why is it more difficult to be a content human being at age twenty-two than it was ten years ago?

Sometimes I wonder if Martin Luther King was living a nightmare as he was proclaiming to have a dream. A dream where the world was peaceful and everyone was equal. Equal in everything. As if all humans had been manufactured in some factory. His dream seemed simple enough. Frankly, humans aren’t simple. They are complex in their appearance, their attitude, their behavioral patterns and even on a physical level. Just look closely at the uvea of your eye and you’ll see how highly complex it is. Or take a look at your hands. The amount of detail that goes into it, the crinkles, the hair, the way fingers bend, the type of fingernail, the lines on the inside that create a fingerprint if we tip a thumb in ink and press it on a blank sheet of paper. Humans aren’t simple and that’s why Martin’s dream has difficulties being put into practice. But that’s not why I live a nightmare. No, my nightmare looks way different.
I feel sad, frustrated and confused. Instead of having pleasant memories and appreciate what we’ve had together and what we still have, the only things occupying my mind are the moments I screwed up. This constant overthinking paired with being able to remember only the negative things is making me lose my mind. I feel like being I’m forbidden to enjoy even the most basic pleasures of life.
Please don’t feel like this was your fault or that you were not pretty enough because that’s not it. I
think you are the most beautiful and vibrant person inside and out. And that is what I will remember no matter what.
My overthinking was probably born back in elementary school. You see, in school you are always
forced to find mistakes in whatever work you put out. Reason: to improve. Obviously, I started
implementing this into my daily life. It is of no surprise then that I would apply this to every little
thing I do throughout my day. Not going to lie, but it drives me crazy sometimes. If you live like this, what happens? You focus so much on all the negative things, you forget to enjoy life. Your memories consist of only negative thoughts and memories. Like dark clouds they float in your head, blur your sight like mist and clog your mood like a fat dump in the toilet. Enjoying life should be more important than doing things right or perfect or with the intention of doing it better. I realized that in Mexico. The people there don’t care if it’s not perfect, if it’s not what they expected or if something happened that wasn’t according to plan. Boundaries, rules, fixed times: all of that is regarded as guidelines, nothing more. Like those fences that pop up on a kid’s bowling alley. They enjoy the moment. Mexicans seem to float in that untouched space. I envy them. I’d give everything to be able to just unplug my brain, my thoughts, my everything, even if it’s just for a second.