Feelings… why do I have them? Having strong feelings, and them getting shattered over and
over is like walking on glass. It hurts. Is there a way to go numb? As hard as I try or how
carefully I step, there is no resolution. I don’t want who wants me, and the one I want doesn’t
want me. It’s always been like that. Devil’s circle, Murphy’s law, or just plain dumb luck.
Does that mean I’m doomed to be alone? Am I forced to settle for someone I don’t truly care
about?
Hanging out with you is like being drunk. Getting intoxicated is fun, being drunk out of your
brains is great, waking up the next day and sobering up, not so much. I always look forward
to hanging out with you, then actually being with you is the absolute high of my life. Then
once you’re gone and I sober up on all the things you told me, I regret ever having met you.
I’m worse off afterwards. Why does it have to be that way? Am I truly losing my mind? The
funny thing about this whole ordeal is, that in one years’ time, I will look back on this and
smile; thinking to myself “was that even important”? This did not have any significance to
your life. Why did you let your life get ruined by that? Pathetic.
Yet, here I sit… alone in my room… emotions crashing in on me like waves… I know how
to swim, but I’m tired of it… should I let go and drown? After all, my head is already
underwater.
I’ve come to a big realization. Where in life you live doesn’t matter. It’s about how you live
it! Back home, I was depressed and upset, blaming country, girls and society for my
unhappiness. I moved across the world to a city where I knew nobody. I fell in love, like
many times before, and ended up in the same mental state as I was in back home. So truly,
where you live on this earth does not matter. You’ll always end up getting hurt. The question
is how you deal with it. Personally, I don’t have the answer to that! Does anyone?
Am I weak for struggling so much? I just can’t seem to get things right! I literally meet a girl
who is perfect in every way, the girl I had been seeking for so long, just to lose her to another
man. Voices in my head told me she just wasn’t the right one, but why did my heart feel she
was? And if she truly isn’t, where the hell is that girl I long for? I would sacrifice everything
to go back in time. Adulthood consists of nothing but seeking love, getting your feeling hurt
and struggling to make money. A life like that is boring, frustrating at best. A life like that is
not worth my time…
I’ve made my peace. Can I go home now?